雅思大作文批改示范1

作文批改注释：
红色部分----建议修改
蓝色部分----非常棒
删除线----建议删除
Most countries spend a lot of money on education, as they have realized the importance of education. In your opinion, which two subjects are the most important for young people and which one is the least important?
Many counties （countries）have invested a large amount of revenues on the education of their next generation because of their awareness that education is of the essence(后半句用了几个of, 读起来不够流畅，建议because they are aware that…独立成分句，结构平衡很多). In my opinion, as for young people, math and language learning are the two most essential subjects while art should be considered as the least essential one.
Math can be found in almost every part of people’s daily life and math learning is not only just dealing with matters of numbers and shapes, but an acquisition of new problem-solving skills as well. Just using some basic math skills, people are able to do a great deal from designing schedules to managing properties（details很好！）. These abilities are able to help (中式表达，建议改为Math skills enable/facilitate) people a lot （偏口语，建议删除）to make full use （少了of）our time and money, (非限定从，加上逗号) which is quite （偏口语，建议改为undoubtedly）necessary for the grown-ups to face this fast-pace and competitive society(逻辑乱了，建议改为which is undoubtely…grown-ups in facing…). Additionally, through learning mathematics, students are able to develop the habit of analyzing problems thoroughly and attentively so that they cannot (will not) miss every circumstance (改为any opportunity).
It is a common sense that language is people’s only medium (中式表达，one important media for people) to express themselves and how to convey ideas clearly and precisely is a common problem that people are facing. Language learning at school is just able to provide s an opportunity for the young to improve their language skills and critical thinking so that their conversations may (are likely to) then be full of thoughts and logic rather than speaking subconsciously and lack of cohesion. This can avoid a great deal of misunderstanding and conflicts (加上which are) simply due to an unclear expression in their later lives.
However, the authorities should not put too much money in art education due to its
lack in usage （limited usage）in people’s later lives. Although art education can, to some extent, enhance students’ understanding in aesthetics, it is unrelated to the profession of most young people and academic appreciation of artwork is not necessary in daily lives.
In conclusion, mathematics (is) crucial for logical thinking and language learning stresses cohesive conversations which are both essential for the next generation to enter the bloodstream of society, whereas art is seemingly less pronounced and important.
What excels:
1.good task response. Your writing has met the task requirements.
2.good coherence and structure.
3.good paraphrase.
4.good use of less common vocabularies.
What needs to be improved:
1.You wrote about 340 words, which seems too long for real test writing.
2.For the paragraph talking about art, you could have written down some supporting
details.
3.In academic writing, try to reduce using colloquial words.
4.Sometimes a very long sentence may seem good, but it is not helpful for you to
express your core point clearly. So you may need to split a long sentence into two sentences to let your idea shown.
This essay is likely to be scored 6.。